What do you want me to do, Lord?

St Elizabeth Anne Seton’s feast day is January 4.  The Office of Readings for her Memorial includes an excerpt from a conference to her spiritual daughters:

“…what was the first rule of our dear Savior’s life?  You know it was to do his Father’s will.  Well, then, the first end I propose in our daily work is to do the will of God; secondly, to do it in the manner he wills; and thirdly, to do it because it is his will.”

I was raised in a large faithful Catholic family. My parents sent us to the Catholic schools and my mother filled in the gaps and corrected the errors that were taught during the 1970’s and 80’s.  She made sure we understood what the Church taught and why.  We knew the ultimate goal for every Catholic is to become a saint.

During my college years I became involved with the Charismatic Renewal.  Many people around me spoke of their personal relationship with Jesus and love for God with great enthusiasm.  I felt like I was somehow missing out because I wasn’t having emotional feelings of love for God.  One of the most common attributes of the saints is their great love for God.  Feelings come and go; you can’t count on them.  So how does one grow in their love for God?  How does one become a saint? 

A short time later Scripture provided the answer for me.  The Aha moment came in John 14:15 when Jesus says, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.”  I didn’t need to stir up an emotional experience to show my love for God, I just needed to do what God wanted me to do. All my married life was oriented toward supporting my husband, caring for children, opening our home in hospitality, feeding hordes of high school football players, and occasionally assisting my husband in some aspect of ministry.  I wanted to be “useful” in the Lord’s service.

Some years ago, just prior to my husband’s ordination to the permanent diaconate, the two of us were meeting with our spiritual director.  I remember feeling all set and ready for service, but I didn’t have a particular ministry. Dave had always been involved in Christian service (Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Cursillo, Charismatic Renewal, Special Olympics, etc.) since before I met him.  With his ordination would come many new opportunities to serve.

I saw many of my contemporaries with grown children involved with youth outreach, evangelization, Bible studies, marriage ministry, choir, and other church activities.  That wasn’t an option for me.  Our youngest daughter, Rachael was born with Down syndrome and was only 3 years old at the time of his ordination in 2009.  In that year six of our eight children were still at home needing me to be Mom. 

For many years since then I would hear some announcement about a new thing that God was doing, a new way to get involved.  I would ask the Lord, “How about that one, can I do that?  And I would sense the Lord saying, “No” again and again.  Over time, I finally understood that my vocation as a wife and mother was and still is vitally important for my children, my community and the church.  

So, how does one discern what the will of God is for their life?  Sometimes it is really hard and takes a lot of time, prayer, and maybe counsel from people you respect. Sometimes the answer is right in front of you when you are looking in every other direction.

In March 2020 when the schools shut down due to Covid, my husband and I were both employed at the local Catholic high school.  We scrambled to find a way to complete the remainder of the school year.  Rachael was enrolled in 8^th grade at the public middle school where she was receiving special education services.  Despite the valiant effort from her teachers, remote learning was a miserable failure.  I could not get her to remain in her seat in front of the computer let alone interact with her teachers.

Then my world was turned upside down when my husband passed away that summer. By Labor Day, nothing about school was certain. Rachael was supposed to be starting high school but the building wasn’t open. Then we were informed that the special education students would only be able to have one hour of in-person instruction per week, outside in a tent, weather permitting. All other instruction was remote. What my daughter needed more than anything was a routine that she could count on.  If she didn’t know what to expect, she would not cooperate.

I started looking for other options.  There was a new Catholic school for kids with special needs. While they were initially open to having Rachael, it became obvious that they would not have the resources to meet her needs.  I then sought out a neighboring school district that was having in-school instruction. They welcomed her into their special-ed program.   I shadowed for the first week to help her get acclimated to the new environment. The first few weeks were a struggle. In October she missed the first week of school due to another family funeral, then the school was closed for a week due to a Covid outbreak.  Then we had to quarantine for two weeks due to Covid at home.  Then the governor shut down all the schools. So much for a routine we could count on.

The obvious answer that I was avoiding at every turn was home-schooling Rachael.  After all the other options were gone, I ordered some homeschool materials and started a new routine. The downside was that I would not be able to return to work. The immediate upside was I didn’t have to drag Rachael out of bed, walk her to the bathroom and dress her while she barely had one eye open. With no tardy bell to beat, Rachael could wake up when she was rested, take as much time as she needed to dress herself, and sit down to a breakfast of her choice (No more granola bars during the ride to school). My morning routine became peaceful, what a concept!

Many other positive changes came from this one decision. Rachael is now reading for me at a first-grade level.  We are doing basic arithmetic with manipulatives and she seems to be getting it. We are learning a new Catholic hymn each month. She likes to take long walks and is even losing some weight.  She is happy and loves to “do school with Mom.”

To return to the quote from St. Elizabeth Ann Seton,

 “…the first end I propose in our daily work is to do the will of God; secondly, to do it in the manner he wills…”

Sometimes discerning God’s will for your life is complicated.  Often it is the task right in front of you.  For those who are married or raising a family your primary vocation is to your spouse and children. They need to come first.  Any ministry or service that prevents you from fulfilling your daily duty to them isn’t God’s will.  And when you are doing the will of God and it is just plain hard, pray that God gives you the grace to persevere and grow towards doing that work in the manner that he wills it, in love, joy and peace.

St. Elizabeth Ann Seton

USCCB, St. Elizabeth Ann Seton