The Worst Year

 Do You Mean the Hardest Year?

“Mom, what was the worst year of your life?” my daughter asked me this past week. I replied, “Do you mean the hardest?”  I imagine many people would reply 2020 given the pandemic’s disruption of life, school, and work.  I lost my husband and my brother in 2020.  Nope, 2020 was not the hardest year of my life.

“It doesn’t matter, really, how great the pressure is;
it only matters where the pressure lies.
See that it never comes between you and the Lord
–then the greater the pressure,
 the more it presses you to His breast.” 
–Hudson Taylor–

My husband, Dave and I were members of the Word of God, a charismatic community in the late 1970’s.  When we met, he was teaching at St Thomas and I was an engineer at Bechtel Power Corporation in Ann Arbor. We were married in 1984 and our first 5 children were born in Ann Arbor.

In 1991, with much prayer and discernment we moved to Kalamazoo for Dave to take a position as head football coach and teacher at Mattawan High School.  When our twins Anne and Cecilia were one month old, we packed up and moved 100 miles west, far away from our families and the support of our community.  It was a very difficult year, with 5 kids under 6 and Dave very involved in a new job.  I was isolated and lonely.  The Lord used this time to teach me to be less self-reliant and to turn to Him and turn to my husband.  By stripping me of my other supports I had to rely on Dave and Jesus. 

One Sunday after we had been there about 3 months, I was at church by myself.  Dave was at home with sick kids.  As I sat through Mass, I was feeling so isolated.  I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t even have one of my children with me.  During the time of prayer right after communion I was blinking back the tears and silently cried out to the Lord to please bring someone into my life that knows me.  After the dismissal I left the church by a different door. (I wanted to check out the coffee and donuts.) As I was walking through the door, a friend of mine from high school was walking in.  We struck up a brief conversation and exchanged phone numbers.  As I was climbing into my car, I realized God had just answered the prayer I had prayed just minutes before.  This was one of many ways that the Lord confirmed that he was with us in our decision to move there.

Fast forward a few years to the new millennium, 2000. Life was very full.  We had tried on several occasions to return to Ann Arbor but were unable to.   Now with 6 children and our oldest entering high school, financially, I needed to re-enter the work force.  I went back to school to get my teacher certification in math and physics.  The scariest class by far was taking calculus 4 when it had been over 20 years since I had taken calculus 3.  By the fall of 2000 I was completing my last semester of classes and preparing for student teaching in winter of 2001.  In our “perfect plan” I would be ready to start teaching in fall 2001 when Mary, our youngest, was entering 1st grade.

Have you ever noticed that what seems “perfect” to us never seems to be in God’s perfect plan?

One evening that Fall, I had to get out of the house.  We had just finished dinner.  The kids were particularly loud.  It had been a long hard day.  The night sky was lit by a full moon.  The stars were brilliant and it was QUIET.  I took my time walking around the neighborhood.  I felt the Lord say to me that difficult times were coming and that he wanted me to become like the moon.  The moon has no light of its own.  It only reflects the light of the sun onto the dark side of the earth.  In my lack of understanding, and having just come through Y2K, I thought He meant global difficult times.  It was only a few months later that I realized He meant personal difficult times.  It is a good thing that he warned me and also a good thing that he didn’t tell me how long it was to last.

A few highlights:

• Nov 2000 – We made the decision to bring Dave’s parents to live with us.  Don was suffering from Alzheimer’s and Bonnie was unable to care for him by herself.
• Jan 2001- I began student teaching full-time hours and paying full-time tuition.
• Feb 2001 – I found I was unexpectedly expecting another baby. (How did this fit in my perfect plan?  What about my work?  What about our finances?)
• March 2001 – With 10 people in a 3‑bedroom house there was no room for one more.  Using my architecture degree, I designed the 2,000 sq ft addition to provide a first-floor suite for the in-laws, two additional bedrooms and a bath upstairs and a first-floor laundry larger than the kitchen. (I miss that laundry room, it was awesome)
• May 2001 – Construction began with the hopes of being completed by baby’s due date in September (Ha, Ha – painting alone took more than a month)
• June 2001 – Our 12-year-old son was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder.
• July 2001 – Construction was running at least a month behind due to 3 weeks of non-stop rain.  We were down to one functioning toilet and a continual parade of construction tradesmen through the house.
• August 2001 – Football season begins and the building inspector halts construction due to the corner of the addition encroaching on the easement by 18 inches.  He didn’t notice it before the foundations were poured but when they were mudding the drywall. (Just so you know, I hate confrontation and this fellow had a reputation for never backing down.) I walked into the township office, great with child, and mama bear challenged his decision right in front of everyone.  He was quick to say that he would support our petition for a variance, and we were able to get back to work on the project.
• September 2001- The World Trade Center was attacked by terrorists and Catherine was born a week later into an uncertain world.

To give a little slice of life, one afternoon that summer I was meeting with the builder going over some details when a hoard of neighborhood kids came to the door asking to play, and as the phone started ringing my father-in-law walked into the room clapping his hands together and saying, “Doot, Doot, Doot!”  I felt like my life had become a situation comedy.

As we welcomed our seventh child into the family in 2001, I was amazed that having a new baby was exactly what our family needed.  My son with autism was immediately drawn to Catherine and he became her defender.  She also had a calming effect on my father-in‑law.  As Grandpa became disoriented and agitated, Catherine would toddle into the room and his face would melt into the sweetest smile.  God knew 2001 was going to be one of those very difficult years.  He warned me ahead of time and provided for our every need.

Dave’s parents stayed with us for 3 years.  I was able to get a job teaching physics at Mattawan High School in the Fall of 2002.  Adjusting to working full-time was a challenge.  I was getting 5 hours of sleep on a good night. Three or four hours of sleep were not uncommon.  Our financial situation eased a bit.

In the Fall of 2003, Dave entered deaconate aspirancy.  Mattawan hired a new principal who seemed determined to shake things up.  Both of Dave’s parents were now suffering from dementia.  The hectic pace of work at school was respite from the work I faced at home.  During the week of my first performance review with the new principal I had a miscarriage.  My performance review did not go well.  He was not particularly understanding.  For the next two years I was under constant scrutiny. 

By November we had to place Grandma and Grandpa into a nursing home because it was too dangerous for them to live with us.  At 2am we got a call from the police asking us to come to the station to pick up Grandpa.  He had driven off with a car in the middle of the night trying to get to Flint.  They stopped him as he was weaving all over the road in a town 50 miles away!  He wasn’t even wearing his glasses.  It is a divine mercy that no one was hurt. 

One evening a few days later, I had a pot of soup simmering on the gas stove.  I had to run out and pick a kid up from practice at school.  I asked the older kids to keep an eye on the younger kids and I took the baby with me.  Seeing the flame under the pot, Grandma tried to put the fire out by turning all the knobs.  When I returned a few minutes later I smelled the gas and told all the kids to get out of the house immediately.  There were three unlit burners on full with one lit burner next to it!  Guardian angels were watching over our family. (This kind of stuff would always happen during the football season when Dave was most occupied with coaching)

In the Fall of 2004 Dave and I begin taking the first class in diaconate formation on Marriage and Family.  We were both so moved and inspired by this course that we felt the Lord asking us to be open to having one more child.  I was 46 at the time.  Aware of the risks, we decided that God was trustworthy.  I had a good performance review at work and it looked like things might start getting easier.  

It was only a slight lull before the storm of 2005.  Here are the highlights:

• Despite the fact that Dave had the most successful coaching career in the school’s history, some of his newer coaches were jealous of his position and betrayed him by spreading false rumors.
• Dave’s dad contracted pneumonia and died in December.
• February2005 – I had another performance review the next semester and my principal was determined to get rid of me. He made accusations that contradicted the earlier performance review. I was required to do more remedial training and was intentionally humiliated by the administration in front of my students and eventually was told that my contract would not be renewed for the next year. (a very long and painful story)
• March 2005 – The week after I was told I would be losing my job, Cecilia developed appendicitis.  I stayed up all night in the hospital with her (3 months pregnant and unable to find a comfortable place to rest.)  I missed the 2^nd half of a teacher in-service day to be with her in the hospital and for that I was written up for insubordination.
• April 2005 – I appeared before the school board to protest the latest evaluation.  None of my teacher friends would come to support me because they were afraid the principal might retaliate.
• May 2005 – My dad had a major stroke and lost function of his right side.
• Spring 2005 – My sisters Kelly and Katie were pregnant at the same time as I was.  Kelly lost her baby in the 2^nd trimester.  From an ultrasound Katie knew that her baby had a serious heart defect and possible Down syndrome. 
• June 2005 – Peter graduated from high school during which I was again publicly humiliated sitting with the faculty as the principal made a declaration that only the best teachers would be retained at the school.
• Given the toxic work environment Dave decided to retire from the public schools.   We refinanced the house to take some equity out to purchase a few retirement years. With the public-school retirement Dave was able to take a teaching position at Fr Gabriel Richard High School in Ann Arbor.  That meant getting the house ready to sell.
• July 2005 – I was seven months into my pregnancy and while deep cleaning for our third open house, I began to hemorrhage. (Another very long story) I had a frantic ride in the ambulance by myself as Dave had taken the kids to Mass that evening. I thought I was going to lose the baby.  I lost over 2 liters of blood and had an emergency C-Section.   Miraculously, Rachael was not harmed.  However, it was then that we discovered that she had Down syndrome. Preemie baby stayed in the hospital for 4 weeks.
• Summer 2005 – A major employer in Kalamazoo decided to close operations.  Thousands of homes flooded the market and we couldn’t find a buyer. The family stayed in Kalamazoo while Dave made the 100-mile commute for a year. 
• September 2005 – Katie’s daughter Mary Kate required immediate surgery for the heart defect and along with Down syndrome had many other medical complications.
• October 2005 – Four-year old Catherine was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder.
• November 2005 – My mother had a heart attack while trying to care for my now invalid father.
• December 2005 – My oldest brother was moving his family from Washington State to Georgia and stopped in Michigan to see my parents over Christmas week.  All their possessions were on a moving truck.  The truck was stolen during the night while they slept in a hotel room.
• January 2006 – Baby Robert was born to my youngest brother and his wife. He had an undetected heart defect and died when he was a month old.
• 2006 – We had two kids in college and I was managing the household while caring for a newborn with disabilities. The commuting to Ann Arbor had to stop.  We decided to move and rent out our house.  The man who rented from us was a scam artist.  He trashed the house and it took over 6 months to get him out.  We won a civil case against him but he never paid.  Financially things became desperate. The house never sold; it went back to the bank in 2007.  We lost all the remaining equity in our home.
• There were no teaching jobs available in the Ann Arbor area.  Given my most recent work history, my chances of finding decent employment were slim.

It is really hard to communicate the level of grief and suffering we endured those years.  I consider myself a pretty competent person.  I can handle a lot.   But the relentless crushing circumstances brought me to a place where I felt like I could do nothing but endure.  We didn’t understand why any of this was happening.  As we prayed through each of these situations, we thought we were making the right decisions for the right reasons.  We had to cling to God. 

The years from 2005 through 2007 were by far the hardest years.  But I wouldn’t say they were the worst years. From the very beginning our marriage was rooted in daily prayer together. Going through these very hard times drew us so much closer together.  Our children rallied to help us with Grandma and Grandpa and the two youngest sisters. They saw our faith tested and our response. Each of our adult children have embraced the Catholic faith as their own.

No one likes hard times.  They are hard!!  But God can do so much in us when we are helpless and have to rely on Him.  Difficulties prepare us to face the future as it is so beautifully expressed in these verses from Sirach:

Sirach 2:1-6
My son, when you come to serve the LORD,
prepare yourself for trials.

Be sincere of heart and steadfast,
undisturbed in time of adversity.

Cling to Him, forsake Him not;
thus will your future be great.

Accept whatever befalls you,
in crushing misfortune be patient;

For in fire gold is tested,
and worthy men in the crucible of humiliation.

Trust God and He will help you;
make straight your ways and hope in Him.

(New American Bible)